It feels rather disheartening

It feels rather disheartening to know 
that I am not good enough anymore. 
I could be kind of disgusting – 
What do I do?

This feeling crept 
into my mind sometime back:

I have begun to wonder 
the value and worth of my life.

I used to believe 
that I was special 
and everything that ever happened 
or happens to me had a reason, 
that there was a grace 
in what I am meant 
to have and to suffer. 
I have never complained 
for any of the rough deals 
that I have ever been through. 
I have always laughed in adversities.

My Lord 
You always understood me - 
or so I believed.

I am now faced 
with disillusionment 
after having lived 
four decades of my life; 
I am loosing my self worth.

On looking back 
I come across 
a number of instances and occasions 
where I have risen 
up to the moment’s strife. 
I always emerged victorious. 
I lived on borrowed strength. 
I took in more than I could handle. 
I won the admiration 
of a lot of people. 
Now 
I wonder whether 
I was being blind to myself, 
belittling myself 
to a falsified illusion.

All the people around 
only fueled that illusion 
and I kept getting charged 
and carried on and on. 
So stupid was I to think 
that I was a worth while 
human being.

When does 
or does not anyone value another person?

What are the parameters 
to keep up the opinion 
one initially develops 
for someone 
and why does that opinion 
dwindle with time? 
Shouldn’t time be 
a cementing factor?

I have yet to find answers…

As silly as I could be 
I always believed 
that love, respect, faith 
and understanding were virtues 
that came with a prefix 
or suffix called ‘forever’. 
Somehow in my own 
incapacitated ways 
I still believe in that. 
Was that an illusion 
or simply wishful thinking?

What I am discovering is that, 
its time that takes a toll 
on people’s lives 
and erodes that illusion down. 
That simply means that
at this point 
I am beginning to waver 
in my own belief. 
How much I wish I did not. 
I am not able to elude 
the though no matter how much I try.

There is a lump in my heart 
that I can’t melt down. 
That comes from 
just knowing or rather feeling 
that I am not good enough anymore.

I lack everything 
that pertains to discipline - 
I have lost my sense of being, 
of time, of order, of need - 
I am still not fully apprised 
with all that I lack. 
I’d rather say I lost myself. 
I am now living in a fool’s paradise 
and only coming to terms 
with the gruesome facts 
of life and aging. 
I look at myself in the mirror 
and see a looser 
which is just the opposite 
of what I used to see earlier.