It feels rather disheartening

It feels rather disheartening to know 
that I am not good enough anymore. 
I could be kind of disgusting – 
What do I do?

This feeling crept 
into my mind sometime back:

I have begun to wonder 
the value and worth of my life.

I used to believe 
that I was special 
and everything that ever happened 
or happens to me had a reason, 
that there was a grace 
in what I am meant 
to have and to suffer. 
I have never complained 
for any of the rough deals 
that I have ever been through. 
I have always laughed in adversities.

My Lord 
You always understood me - 
or so I believed.

I am now faced 
with disillusionment 
after having lived 
four decades of my life; 
I am loosing my self worth.

On looking back 
I come across 
a number of instances and occasions 
where I have risen 
up to the moment’s strife. 
I always emerged victorious. 
I lived on borrowed strength. 
I took in more than I could handle. 
I won the admiration 
of a lot of people. 
Now 
I wonder whether 
I was being blind to myself, 
belittling myself 
to a falsified illusion.

All the people around 
only fueled that illusion 
and I kept getting charged 
and carried on and on. 
So stupid was I to think 
that I was a worth while 
human being.

When does 
or does not anyone value another person?

What are the parameters 
to keep up the opinion 
one initially develops 
for someone 
and why does that opinion 
dwindle with time? 
Shouldn’t time be 
a cementing factor?

I have yet to find answers…

As silly as I could be 
I always believed 
that love, respect, faith 
and understanding were virtues 
that came with a prefix 
or suffix called ‘forever’. 
Somehow in my own 
incapacitated ways 
I still believe in that. 
Was that an illusion 
or simply wishful thinking?

What I am discovering is that, 
its time that takes a toll 
on people’s lives 
and erodes that illusion down. 
That simply means that
at this point 
I am beginning to waver 
in my own belief. 
How much I wish I did not. 
I am not able to elude 
the though no matter how much I try.

There is a lump in my heart 
that I can’t melt down. 
That comes from 
just knowing or rather feeling 
that I am not good enough anymore.

I lack everything 
that pertains to discipline - 
I have lost my sense of being, 
of time, of order, of need - 
I am still not fully apprised 
with all that I lack. 
I’d rather say I lost myself. 
I am now living in a fool’s paradise 
and only coming to terms 
with the gruesome facts 
of life and aging. 
I look at myself in the mirror 
and see a looser 
which is just the opposite 
of what I used to see earlier. 

Its all in my mind.

I am feeling terrible today.
So terrible because I feel taken for granted.

I guess I am just a sentimental fool
Some may say I over reacted

I am creating a big farce over nothing
May be so- I don’t even know

Or probably, something has gone terribly wrong
Am I wrong in expecting? Or am I over expecting

God I must have gone crazy –
I am overreacting!

I can’t stop this strain of tears
Wonder why they flow if there is no reason

It seems like it is only he –his priority is himself
We all come second

Sometimes I wonder if we figure anywhere
Is he part of us, even aware?

I am the sounding board-everybody hits at me
I am the doormat I am beginning to see

I exist-I am important-I take the dust off your feet.
You can wipe off the dirt, the muck and I should still feel free

You are so confident that I will take it all.
And still lay there looking pretty to take some more

I have to literally beg for some appreciation
I have to wait in long anticipation

To fill the void that I carried so long
For so many days ...I can’t carry on

I have to beg ‘please…’And then as if a grace,

a small courtesy I may see

I am a great actress; I excel in pretence
I pretend and it seems like everything is fine

I appear so strong for everyone to see
But infact-I am lonely craving to be told

Once in a while – that I mean a thing
-Without having to ask, to beg or pray?

Look –I must be crazy
My mind cannot think

I guess I am wallowing in self-pity
there’s no bigger shame

Somewhere in my small mind
I can’t understand, why I so hurt

I wish I were dead, but that too I cant

My children, their thoughts hold me back

I look at their faces and wonder
What’s on their minds?

Can they see, understand or feel
Or are they too stony in their hearts inside?

I fear how they will be
When they will be men, I pray they’ll be fine

The little fellow asked me today
Why he has no time?

What is the answer I should give him?
What do I explain?

I am wondering whether this is an issue
Or am I just blowing it out of size

Believe me- I don’t know where I stand
Where I belong or what is mine!

I might be sick in my head
I am holding within, lots of feelings that I should let go

What I cannot understand is
Why is this happening to me?

Please with me I beg’
Be kind!

Now that I have let it all out
I know that I am going to be blamed

The errors will inevitably be with me
For
It’s all in my mind